How old will you be in five years?
38 years old, and never kissed a girl.
Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Myself? Everyone else being in five-minute-or-less-increments.
How tall are you?
Taller than Tom Cruise- 5’9” I think.
What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Moving. Goddamn it, moving.
What’s the last movie you saw?
Sherrybaby; I thought it stunk but Maggie Gyllenhaal brought it.
Who was the last person you called?
Derek Linzey.
Who was the last person to call you?
Derek Linzey.
Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
Derek Linzey (notice a progression of events here?).
Who was the last text message you received from?
Text what?
Do you prefer to call or text?
I’ll never, ever text, but I’ll email over calling any day.
What were you doing at 12am last night?
Sitting at this very same computer.
Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced, after thirty-odd years of separation. I think they had champagne.
When was the last time you saw your Mom?
A couple of weeks ago.
What color are your eyes?
The color of fresh mud.
What time did you wake up today?
Noon.
What are you wearing right now?
Wool socks, jeans, and my two most-worn shirts of all time.
What is your favorite Christmas song?
Anything off of Smokey Robinson and the Miracles’ Christmas Album, or Le Petit Jesu, mainly because it would make a good hip-hop sample.
Where is your favorite place to be?
Deep inside of my own head, while moving steadily forward.
Where is your least favorite place to be?
In a room full of actors.
Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
Someplace that doesn’t exist.
Where do you think you’ll be in ten years?
Not in that place, that’s for sure.
Do you tan or burn?
Burn, then tan.
What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
This pair of floating lips that went OOOOOOO all night when I fever-hallucinated with ear problems. And is that not the scariest thing you’ve ever heard.
What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Bob Dylan’s radio show.
How many TVs do you have in your house?
Une, stuck in the corner.
How big is your bed?
I think it’s a queen.
Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Lap.
Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Depends on the season and the room.
What color are your sheets?
Deep red.
How many pillows do you sleep with?
Four, positioned very precisely.
What is your favorite season?
Eternal summer.
What do you like about fall?
The illusion that the colour, the pumpkins, the newly-retrieved sweaters and the jolly farmer’s market-ing all add up to something which makes the world kinder.
What do you like about winter?
Absolutely fucking NOTHING.
What do you like about summer?
Mix tapes, water, hot nights and retsina.
What do you like about spring?
Rebirth. Awakenings.
How many states/provinces have you lived in?
Five.
What cities/towns have you lived in?
That’s a whole other questionnaire.
Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Sandals.
Are you a social person?
When I want to be- is that an oxymoron?
What was the last thing you ate?
A big bowl of popcorn.
What is your favorite restaurant?
Kisha Poppo, Davey St., Vancouver.
What is your favorite ice cream?
I think I have a freak lactose intolerance to frozen milk. It makes me sleepy. But there’s a Nova Scotian company which produces something called ‘Mom’s Apple Pie’ that makes it worth this. Moreso if it had flash-frozen cheddar cheese bits in it.
What is your favorite dessert?
Unlimited film-set catered tiramisu.
What is your favorite kind of soup?
Tom Yum, Thai Basil, Bloor St., Toronto.
What kind of jelly do you like on your PB&J sandwich?
This is assuming I’ve eaten a peanut butter sandwich in my conscious adulthood.
Where are you most of the time?
My Inner Home.
Do you like coffee?
I love coffee more than I love pussy.
How many glasses of water do you drink a day on average?
Two, and I piss out nine.
What do you drink in the morning?
150,000 cups of strong organic coffee- see above answer
Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
I sleep in the middle, because I can.
Do you know how to play poker?
No, and now matter how often you teach me, I’ll forget within 12 hours.
Do you like to cuddle?
I sure do.
Have you ever been to Canada?
Never, ever in my life have I really been to Canada.
When was the last time someone told you they loved you?
On this very night.
Do you eat out or at home more often?
Two straight years of necessary eating out kind of made me lose interest.
Do you know someone with the same birthday as you?
No, but I know Bob Marley died on my birthday in 1981.
Do you want kids?
Sometimes, I want them more than anything going.
Do you speak any other languages?
Mais non.
Have you ever gotten stitches?
So many times that my lower abdomen has no hope of ever being taut.
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Have not.
Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
I prefer a warm lake.
Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat?
Is there any truly Living soul on Earth who prefers an aisle seat?
Do you know how to drive stick?
Only my own, lovey.
What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Vicious German pornography.
Do you wear any jewelery 24/7?
Two bracelets, from markets Kensington and Halifax Farmers’.
What is your favorite TV show?
Is, has been, and always will be Twin Peaks.
Can you roll your tongue?
Like a soccer mom can roll an SUV, yo.
Who is the funniest person you know?
Jason MacIsaac of the Heavy Blinkers. At least he said the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, which I shouldn’t document here.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
You know, I probably would, if they weren’t so goddamned old and moldy.
What is the main ring tone on your phone?
Fuck a cell phone.
Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
Last fall, while cleaning out a closet at my mother’s house, we found a box with the ‘Nathaniel Suit’ in it, which was a knitted dress-type thing with matching cap, made by some relative. She kept it though. And I fuckin’ wish I still had this outfit of a waffled baby blue shirt and orange overalls I saw in a picture of me as a three-year old. I looked like fuckin’ Thurston Moore.
What red object is closest to you right now?
Cartman’s shirt on my South Park mousepad. If that doesn’t count, my notebook of song drafts.
Do you turn the water off when you brush your teeth?
25% of the time.
Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?
Bees- I’ve always fantasized about bearing a beard of bees.
Do you flirt a lot?
I don’t know… do you flirt a lot…? You’re flirting right now, aren’t you? Well, even if not you're sure asking alot of questions.
What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
A fucking quick-dissolve acid bath.
What is your favorite food?
The mighty, sublime Dynamite Roll.
Can you change the oil in a car?
I’ve owned my car for four months and haven’t even opened the hood.
Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
I can’t drive 55.
Have you ever run out of gas?
Thank God for that guy mowing the lawn in the public park.
What is your usual bedtime?
Exactly eight hours before I have to get up.
What was the last book you read?
Norwegian Wood, by Haruki Murakami.
Do you read the newspaper?
Only on the weekends; b/t them it’s often the nightly news.
Are you currently dating someone?
You know, that’s actually a very good question.
Do you watch soap operas?
Not since I was a bored fourth-grader eating baker’s chocolate in front of Another World.
Do you dance in the car?
Once I did, stuck in traffic for two and a half hours, to the near-entirety of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Stadium Arcadium.
Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
Ha- myself. But if I lean an inch to my left, my father.
What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
The date of a wedding at which I am to stand as best man.
What is your favorite candle scent?
Candle.
What is your favorite board game?
Parcheesi. Actually, I just like the name.
When was the last time you attended church?
At some point when I was married. And I probably just thought about Star Trek the whole time.
Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
Mr. Salmon, real name, who told me one night when I came across him half-cut at a campsite that your thirties are the best time of your life, and not to believe a word about high school meaning a goddamned thing.
Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Bob Dylan, for making me laugh.
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